a piece of mine.

this piece won me a brand new Canon Rebel a couple years back at an art show.

i named the piece, Nostalgic Visitors.

nostalgia is a bitter-sweet friend.

a friend that visits me quite often.

a feeling i enjoy, memories i love remembering but almost torturous to know i can never have the experiences back for one more ride.

but instead of focusing on the past, good or bad, it is healthy to move forward.

and to keep up with time, and try to focus on the present.

rotten

"ever get the feelin' you've been cheated?"

and here i thought i was the one.

i am now seeing i'm just a learning device...

without any intention, just by coincidence and patterns of life.

i suppose it could be a lesson learned on my side as well.

unfortunately, it's real for me.

i feel pretty dumb.

apathetic contemplations

how sad when one becomes jaded.

when the simple excitement of everyday pleasures become bland.

when you've been spoiled by something so good, something you thought to be lucky

to have as a routine..

now has made one discontent.

are you less of a person at this point?

more high maintenance?

or just apathetic? will one strive to find something different or will they deal with what is making them now discontent?

does that make one greedy?

there are those who would kill for the life you live...

there could be a fine line between jaded and spoiled.

depending on which direction you're coming from.

or maybe what one is now jaded with was never good to begin with....

i guess that's just what one calls no longer being able to fake content-ness.

no longer being able to go through the motions of meaningless duties....

no longer being able to settle and compromise what you really want.

one could say that would be making progress.

from the beginning you had been unhappy.

is this making progress?

when it comes to our own individual satisfaction, we could hurt others.

selfish? or necessary?

i suppose that depends, as well.

photo taken by myself in Melbourne, Australia, '10.

the street art is amazing... saw more great work, but felt this piece

was appropriate for my post.

between the bars

sometimes i wish i didn't do so many things, or have so many things done to me.

or see so many things. see people hurting people.

that way i could live in some kind of ignorant bliss.

and my mind could go to rest.

180°F

it's funny how the things, the people you love most slip away the easiest.

this mentality of, "there's always something better."

or maybe you just become apathetic. you get distracted.

it seems to be an ongoing trend in todays american society...

i mean, it makes sense, welcome to the land of opportunity.

where has love, loyalty and soul disappeared to?

where have the ideals of peace and "we the people" gone?

a wall of preconditioned fabrications of facade and intoxication have blinded us.

it seems to be that those are more concerned with whom their associated with,

what they look like, what they're doing, what they do have... what they don't have.

seems we concentrate a lot on what we don't have.

and it sucks.

because there are those but have no choice but to suffer. who don't have anything.

who are caught in the true grind, because they have been cheated.

and they are aware.

do we care? maybe? but we still won't do anything about it.

and we just keep caring about things that do not matter.

we become soulless bodies floating the surface.

our city becomes a mystery on the map.

because what are we doing for the world? nothing.

and we let ourselves be run by deceit. we let ourselves be motivated by money.

we let ourselves believe the lies if that means we don't have to think.

i do find myself in the same dilemma. where's my heart at?

priorities? i find myself in a committed relationship- at last. and now i choose to concentrate on this more than school, more than work, even my family. and no longer am i participating in the systematic happiness; i no longer create art, i hardly even write. i don't even chase after my long gone friends. they're gone though, so what was the point? i feel i'm not even doing my part for this world.

i say, "i'm working from the inside out."

but am i really right now? i feel that i'm more caught up in the puppy love of a blossoming relationship.

i actually found someone i'm willing to commit to. someone i truly connect with. someone who shares the same ideals.

and i'm stoked.

this is something that at this point in time, i am completely okay with donating my time to.

it's a big step for me. maybe i see it as a challenge?

i do and will though, always spread love and peace.

having love for someone, even just a friend will change someone's life, if they can realize what's genuine and what is not. and hopefully, they too can spread that love.

i will never use violence. and i will always try to understand you.

it's a great, simple concept really.

people get flattered extremely easily. they get flattered you care. because they've been floating in a sea of hate and apathy towards the common man. not only from our government but from other people just like them.

so one person shows compassion and love towards them? it could easily create a domino effect.

at least for the day, until they wake up the next morning realizing they're still being cheated and are in actuality; unhappy.

but hey, i did what i could. i got you to notice and imitate. let's get back to the simple things in life.

we do not need intoxication to be happy or to have fun. lets take a walk instead of drive, its actually pretty nice.

smiling to a stranger. saying hi. home cooking? it all sounds good. we're just in too much of a rush to see the small details in life. it's all about the big picture, right?

who we're going to marry. how you're going to make the big bucks. heaven?

hell.

but of course, no one thinks they're going to hell.

is there even a hell? i say bullshit. god's not that evil............ he just wanted to spice things up. just like he wants to spice up our world with hunger and war.

bring it back.

slippin

can't catch my own fall.

natural born killer

it literally hurts to think right now.

my head is pulsating. so horrible.

woke up naked and alone. that's a weird feeling.

i'm a weird person.

and somewhat of a hot mess.

he saw me when he was going to lunch. did i see him? no. but apparently for him there's still that "initial attraction" and that he wishes the feeling was mutual. is it? no.

after reading the comments for the post... turns out he's still inlove with me when i was never inlove with him to begin with. i didnt even want to be with him to the fullest... and, i wasn't loyal.

he had me when i had lost myself.

how crazy? i can long for the truest of love. to have that feeling again. and its right in front of me. but then i don't think its love that he's feeling. its complete infatuation and desperate emotions in a lonely time that he's created for himself. that feeling we convince ourselves to have because it was the last flavor and we don't have another to cover the taste.

the feeling i had that probably got me into this mess. the feeling that made me compromise.

and i'm over compromising...

and because i was over it, over compromising, over wasting his time, over wasting my time, over thinking emotionally i can handle a commitment and over pretending i could handle my own issues... he told me that i was incapable of loving and appreciating..

how twisted. you can't win.. being completely selfless fucks you over. being selfish brings accusations, fucks other people over and even sometimes yourself in the end.

where the fuck's that happy medium?

i'm trying to find that happy medium in all aspects of my life.

its frustrating.

life changes so fast.

the closest people in my life had disappeared and reentered before i even knew it.

my dog is chasing her tail and i rejected sex last night.

i'm doing this dry spell stuff to myself. and i'm ok with that.

now, getting peer pressured into partying more.

happy early birthday, justin.