they say, this is the city of angels: November 2009

it literally hurts to think right now.

my head is pulsating. so horrible.

woke up naked and alone. that's a weird feeling.

i'm a weird person.

and somewhat of a hot mess.

he saw me when he was going to lunch. did i see him? no. but apparently for him there's still that "initial attraction" and that he wishes the feeling was mutual. is it? no.

after reading the comments for the post... turns out he's still inlove with me when i was never inlove with him to begin with. i didnt even want to be with him to the fullest... and, i wasn't ~~loyal~~.

he had me when i had lost myself.

how crazy? i can long for the truest of love. to have that feeling again. and its right in front of me. but then i don't think its love that he's feeling. its complete infatuation and desperate emotions in a lonely time that he's created for himself. that feeling we convince ourselves to have because it was the last flavor and we don't have another to cover the taste.

the feeling i had that probably got me into this mess. the feeling that made me compromise.

and i'm over compromising...

and because i was over it, over compromising, over wasting his time, over wasting my time, over thinking emotionally i can handle a commitment and over pretending i could handle my own issues... he told me that i was incapable of loving and appreciating..

how twisted. you can't win.. being completely selfless fucks you over. being selfish brings accusations, fucks other people over and even sometimes yourself in the end.

where the fuck's that happy medium?

i'm trying to find that happy medium in all aspects of my life.

its frustrating.

life changes so fast.

the closest people in my life had disappeared and reentered before i even knew it.